For those suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), actions don’t always reflect intentions, which causes tumultuous relationships. No matter how much someone cares about you, BPD’s cyclical nature can be difficult to navigate.

As Maya Angelou so eloquently stated, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

But what if the way you want to make someone feel doesn’t align with your actions?

For those suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), actions don’t always reflect intentions, which causes tumultuous relationships. No matter how much someone cares about you, BPD’s cyclical nature can be difficult to navigate. But it is not insurmountable.

Lessen the Effect of BDP on Your Relationships

There are ebbs and flows to any relationship, but when BPD is part of the equation, those ebbs and flows may feel like navigating through the storm of the century. And when the storm does subside and a brilliant rainbow appears, its beauty is often fleeting before clouds darken the sky again. In order to weather the storm without damaging your cherished relationships, it is vital to understand the six stages of a BPD relationship cycle.

A Fast-Paced Start

Individuals with BPD move at an accelerated pace when starting a relationship. And while both parties may wish to build a future together, the speed with which that happens is typically dictated by BPD. Feelings of adoration can quickly turn to fixation.

Feelings Become Fragile

The initial glow of new love starts to fade as the BPD partner starts overanalyzing everything their partner does or says. No matter what the other person’s intentions are, the BPD partner may put a negative spin on their words, evoking feelings of abandonment and low self-worth. “They don’t love me” becomes a running theme in the BPD partner’s mind.

Affection by Manipulation

The BPD partner creates scenarios that require their partner to demonstrate their love in order to quell their own inner anxiety. This method of affection by manipulation may be effective in the moment, but it is unsustainable.

Inconsistency Arises

Two traits individuals with BPD struggle with are inconsistency and instability, both of which can lead to friction and discord. The uncertainty that arises feeds into the BPD partner’s anxiety, their feelings become more fragile, and their need to manipulate becomes stronger. It is highly likely that by this stage the non-BPD partner’s needs are no longer being met.

The Relationship Ends

By now, the non-BPD partner typically reaches their breaking point, and in spite of their love for their partner, they leave the relationship. After giving it their all they are emotionally checked out, and no amount of explanation by the BPD partner can change the outcome.

Desperation Ensues

The end of the relationship can lead to acts of excessive desperation by the BPD partner, fueled by extreme mood swings. The inner voice that says they are worthless is at max volume and overpowers rational thought. Sometimes this emotional volatility leads to life-threatening behaviors or suicide attempts.

Infuse a BPD Relationship With Hope, Not Hopelessness

As the BPD partner, what can you do to avoid this destructive cycle?

You’ve already recognized that you are not this disease and that you play the most important role in creating the life

and relationships you need, and deserve. That is the catalyst for creating healthier relationships.

The next step is to engage an expert therapist or psychologist to guide you on a holistic journey toward controlling BPD before it controls you, your life, and your relationships. This expert will help you create and nurture a safe space within yourself where love can grow and flourish.

Lead the Way to a Healthier Relationship

As the partner in the relationship with BPD, you hold the power. Your loved one can only do so much, and while they will be by your side as you find your way, it is up to you to effect change. This starts by implementing effective coping mechanisms, like the ones outlined below.

Seek Expert Help

Trying to go it alone with BPD is like trying to navigate a storm without a charted course… or even a vessel. You will drown before you can save yourself. An expert therapist or psychologist is a lifeboat to keep you afloat until you reach calmer waters.

Be Committed

Making a commitment to yourself that you will strive to manage your BPD, no matter how challenging that becomes, is crucial. Even with expert help and coping mechanisms, it takes your dedication to work.

Educate Loved Ones

Part of making a commitment to yourself is welcoming support. By sharing information about BPD with the people in your life, they can be there to lift you up when you need it most.

Use Your Tools

Your therapist will offer you tools such as meditation, grounding or breathing exercises, redirecting activities, and other methods to counteract feelings of low worth, anxiety, and uncertainty. It is vital that you use these tools as often as necessary.

Supporting a BPD Partner

If you are in a relationship with someone who has BPD, you may find yourself feeling frustrated, confused, misunderstood, and possibly even gaslighted. Your partner doesn’t want you to feel this way, and in fact, the issues that lead to these feelings are born out of their own insecurities, rather than anything you have done.

Accept that their BPD is out of your control.

Be a caring and loving partner. Part of that is asking how you can best support them, but it also means recognizing that you also deserve respect and happiness. You are the only one who can gauge when a BPD relationship is worth fighting for or when holding on will only end in destruction for you both.

By seeking professional help (separate from your partner), learning more about BPD, its symptoms, treatments, and effects on a relationship, offering emotional support whenever possible, and learning to set healthy boundaries, you can be a champion and source of strength for your partner.

Break the Cycle

As a therapist or psychologist with extensive knowledge about BPD, I can help support you through your journey. Having the support of a mental health expert is the most effective way to truly discover the stunning rainbow that only appears after weathering the storm.

Is BPD Controlling Your Relationship?